Sanah Helwa ya Sadiqati :')

Assalamualaikum :)


Dear Sahabat,
back then, you were always there for me.
When I am sad,
when I am happy.
But I was not.

Dear Lovely Gal,
back then, you were always very understanding, concerned and kind to me.
When I feel like slapping people....
When I was in pain, and hurt.
But I was not.

Dear Sunshine,
back then, you always try your best to make me happy.
Even you're sick.
Even you're busy.
But I was not.

Dear, Azizah Batrisyia.
I am sorry for not being the one that you ever dreamt of.
I am sorry for always disappointing you.
I am sorry for being such a hypocrite.

whatever happens..
I want you to know that I will always love you.
Even if we are far apart,
I will always think of you.

Thank you dear buddy.
You are indeed a friend in need, and a special one too :)

Happy 14th Birthday Azizah Batrisyia binti Abdul Halim!
May Allah bless you always, and may you succeed in dunia and akhirat....
In shaa Allah amiin!
Have a blast today in your boarding school.......
.....without me :')

Sorry tak darkkk hadiah naa!!

I'll give you the best present ever that anyone could give, but 

Okay lah ica. byebye sayang. i love you :*

La Tahzan :')

Assalamualaikum :)

Honestly, I keep my feelings to myself. I just save it in my heart. But when I do it for a long period, it can be a revenge or that feeling of hatred will come and it is not good or healthy. So I write it in my diary. But I am tired of writing and I know no one would ever or can read my diary..... that is why I post in a blog, hoping that someone could read them so they would understand that I am hurt and suffering. I had no intention to let people read them or even know about them but I can actually for a second to feel like someone do care about me by reading my blog eventhough no one would read it actually.

But I know some people would think like I am purposely telling everybody my problem so someone could give me attention.. Like I want sympathy lah kononnya. But no! And to avoid that, what do I do? I go back to my diary, sometimes if I think it is okay or I think before I write. But that would not be enough so I would just keep it to myself . But that would pain me a lot. Even if I try to tell others, the wouldn't care or they might not be understanding or they can't even keep it or like you know when people take it the wrong way etc.

So I take my chance to tell my close friends, like aiman, farah or anyone lah yang i rapat since a kid. But they jarang jarang ada on facebook and it is hard to contact them, dahlah different school and etc. And if I tell my parents, they might not listen because they are busy or maybe because they hate me or they would say blapdidadipdablablabla sort of rubbish trying to make me feel like I am stupid, which I am but that is not how you calm someone down.

So then where do I tell my feelings which I need to make them burst out? I keep it to myself again. You just can't make it go away people. It would still haunt you. Even at least you can forget it but dude, I've tried and people who forgets the past are condemned to repeat it. So don't forget. Let it be stucked in your heart. Just forget what hurt you but never what it taught you but if you don't remember what hurt you you might won't remember what it taught you right? So what you need here is PEACE. Your inner peace. You are strong and tough yes! But you do not have inner peace kan? So how?

Yes! Pray. Return to God. Because I am a Muslim, I will say, return to Allah. Only He can give you inner peace. Return to Allah sayang. Perbanyakkanlah ibadah..... Banyakkanlah berkumat-kamit dengan menyebut nama Nya dan Baginda Rasulullah SAW. Allah misses your prayers.. I bet the angels too. Doa seorang mukmin! Ya :)

Now if you have a problem, sit down if you are standing or lie down if you are sitting down. But don't sleep. But think... Everyone here can actually solve their problems but they do not know because they don't think peacefully. BERTAFAKUR. yes. In a calm and peaceful condition, just you, the wind and Allah. My dear friends, I am sure peace will come to your spirit. Even if your life is tough and hard, but your soul will be my bloomer and peaceful. In shaa Allah. When you're sad, la tahzan. Allah is there for you , He is always there for you...... But only you who didn't go and see or talk to HIM.

Akulu kauli haza waastaghfirullahal'azim li walakum walisa iril muslimin walmuslimat walmukminin wal mukminat.Wassalamualaikumwarrahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

#Ya ALLAH thank you for YOUR GUIDANCE. :')


What Puberty Did To Me?

Assalamualaikum :)

and to me bff and me

8 years old :)

14 years old :)

Is there a phobia for this?

Assalamualaikum :)

Hye everyone...
It is the holidays right?
So how are you guys doing?
I hope that you guys are having good times during these holidays.
By the way, referring to the topic.... while listening to this "Jane Eyre" soundtrack suite, I was trying to find a topic....
Then suddenly while I was blogging here.... a guy that I thought I was in love with bloomed me with a short conversation .. Yep, just me and him ... through the chatbox .
Hmm now he does not want to be friends with me...
Ahh who cares?
Do you think I care dude?
No I do not. (think so)

Back to the topic. So what was that kind of phobia that I meant?
Well phobia are always referred to any kinds of fear right?
So this one...
That I am suffering.... is a fear of losing friends and not having best friends.
I do not know why or what but deep inside my heart, I have always been afraid of feeling alone and no one cared about me.Honestly.
Oh My God, I guess no one would really listen to me...
No one would care about me.
You know I get jealous and feel sad when they talk about like #MentionPeopleYouLove or whatsoever they have... and people they mention... not one about me.
I have been trying to find people who actually find me interesting and can be with and they want to be with me.
But I think back, why should I bother this? Is a that kind of special friend that I want is important?
I have Allah!
He is our ultimate friend.
After reading tweet-conversation between Zahirah and Alia Sab..
I finally realized that it is normal to see your friends are happy without you, and they disappear.
Sometimes you feel like you don't have real friends, but you are wrong. You do have them. It is just that, everyone could not except that part where they forget each other or you yourself forgets.
Accept. Be grateful.
Friends might not be there always for you.
But for the sake of God, please...
Wake up! You have tons of friends!
It is just that, that you want here is...
a best friend.
Or deeper....
a soul-mate.

I am too searching for one.
But I stop.
I stopped.
Stopped believing, trying.. trusting.. everything.

I cannot blame this girl, but since bad things happen with her,
I just turned out to be so dull and not happy-go-lucky like before.

Even if I try to get those moments back, it won't be the same.
She seemed like..
She's different now.
She does not seem to trust, or like me anymore.
She doesn't share stories to me anymore
or treat me like she used to..
but she seemed to like other people than me.
It is okay.
People change..
but memories won't.
I'm tired of trying.
I thought she was the one.
And I am not ready to try again.
Because I don't seem to find people who accept me for who I am or seemed like they want to be with me.
I am just me.
No one likes me.
Everyone hates me.


Ahh.. I don't care lah.
I hope that after this if I have this kind of phobia again, I would just ignore it.
I am strong. I have myself as my own best friend.
What is important now is to study hard and smart.
I am gonna strive for excellence!
Pray for me!
Ouh, and break a leg dear me!


This was actually my script for my "tak jadi" vlog

Assalamualaikum :)

Hey there! So this is my first ever video. Well not really.
As you know that it is already the mid-year. Hello june! Wait.. is it?
So how was your semester result? I hope that it is better than before.
I just checked my result but it isn’t complete yet. but I noticed that I’m getting even worse . well last year was okay but I knew that I could have done better.

So what might be the reason? Hmm I am not sure. I think it is because I am not serious with my studies. Maybe my niat wasn't sincere. Wait is that the word? Haha
I also realized that my English is getting worse than ever. Well I cannot blame my school because I still learn maths and science in English yeay! Jealous tak? Haha

For your not so important information, I’m taking igcse… which is International general certificate of secondary school.  
Me and my friends were told by some of our teachers that we might have to pass 3 things at a time which is o level, pbs, and png blablabla..
Ntahlah, I’m not sure what am I facing now . lol
And honestly it’s hard and confusing. Again I don’t blame the government….
If you googled this, you would understand this igcse crap thingy. But actually gcse is much more easier..
So to pass this o’level before a’level, we must pass these checkpoints. I think. And we have like 6 of em? I think ? and the first one will be on this june.

Some of us are like really busy thinking bout that and some of my batch are like, err whatever. And I’m like. I should do something now. I can make things better for this. But I don’t seem to put any effort in yet. luls
So what is important here is that you must find your goal. Yes your dreams. Yes you must have a lot of things that you want in your life… but what are the most important things that you can achieve in a short period of time? Wait was that right? Anyway

I just remembered my conversation with my brother and it was him talking to me. He noticed that am a bit spoilt at home. So he is like finding something for me so that I could do at least something good at home rather than.. em… well. Er so he showed me this software thingy Idk but it was a guide for kids my age to invent a game. At first I was a bit interested then suddenly I lose hope on understanding the instructions. Because I was so happy … I got to watch a really cool drama. Haha then he kinda talked about my interests. I mean he asked me. He asked, what do you like to do? And I was like thinking, woah I love a lot of things. And I said, writing bcoz at that time I knew that I always write. And then he asked me again, what kind of or type do I write? I think that was the question. Hihi at first I didn’t understand  

Now you might have a problem with that coz you know the circumstances or obstacles that might come in your way to achieve it.

Yeah! So what are you waiting for! Go and study ! fight your nafsu! Fi sabilillah!
And also remember all of this , is for the sake of Allah’s bless. Not to please people. And if you fail, it doesn’t mean that you fail in this world as long as you are sincere to what you are doing.
Keep on giving in your full effort ! Then you pray! Tawakal! And istiqamah! These are very important.
Take care of your iman too. 

Yes, we can’t get a perfect life, but at least we try, and trying doesn’t mean you try once. But you get up when you fall and try and try. In Shaa Allah! As long as you have your akidah with you! So I pray you all the best!

Jangan taksub dengan dunia sangat…… sampai lupa akhirat. 
Sama sama lah kita menuju kejayaan dan hiduplah dengan solat! Haiya haiya! Hiduplah!